christmas math

I found this recently. I was horrified by the fact that someone went to the trouble to figure out the math of this, but it was too funny to pass up. This is what a college education will do for you. Enjoy.

"IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.

Per second.

Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. "

Happy Holidays

Ahhh, the holidays. A time of year for peace on earth, no school, and sleeping in until 12. Then you wake up to pumpkin pie burning in the oven, siblings fighting each other, and some important appliance in the house will break, usually something that involves keeping the house warm. This year it was my backdoor.

The word "holiday" is sometimes synonymous with the word "stress." Parties, presents, cards, relatives, and dinners all combine to develop a cacophony of conflicting demands that create stress. For some reason, 85% of all Christmas parties that you are obligated to go to are scheduled on the same day. At or around the same time. I had two this weekend, and had to turn down another one. Oddly enough, people can't seem to understand that their party isn't the most important thing in the world that I have to attend to. So, basically, I am a despicable human being for blowing off the very essence of Christmas itself by not attending. (I may be a little bitter)

Holiday parties are unique. No one has a good time, there is never any good food, the timing is always the most inconvenient, there is never any place to park, and yet, 90% of the people in attendance will leave commenting on how great the evening was. I think there's something in the eggnog. Honestly, I don't see the point. And don't even get me started on white elephant gift exchanges. I mean, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a useless gift under $5.

Then there's the presents. One of the most important aspects of Christmas that causes the most anxiety. To quote the ever insightful Sheldon Cooper, "I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation... The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year." That pretty much sums it up.

Then there's the surprise gift, when a peripheral acquaintance has a sudden burst of generosity and remembers you're on the planet long enough to buy you an insignificant trinket. Along with the feeling of surprise comes guilt, because you forget they were on the planet, and the need to respond in kind. Normally, the proper way out of this situation is "oh, I have yours at home and I can't believe I forgot it." My personal advice? Don't bother. This person probably wanted to get rid of a white elephant gift from an earlier party and you were the first sucker that came to mind. Don't take on the added stress of buying yet another gift for yet another person who probably couldn't care less.

Sadly, the holidays prove to be a stressful time of year. So take time out of the hectic hustle and bustle to take a sip of eggnog, walk through a winter wonderland (even if it's just typing "let it snow" into google), and rediscover the joys of Christmas. Being a college student means you're not expected to always act like an adult; take advantage of this. Chill out, goof off, get in a snowball fight at two in the morning. And hope Santa brings a full tuition scholarship for your stocking.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

final(ly) week

welcome, students, to the single most stressful part of college: final exams.

The week of finals is characterized by several different aspects. first of all, there is the epic cram session. Similar to the cramming due to procrastination, these cram sessions contain a frantic, desperate mood and are accompanied by amounts of caffeine so large that they have the potential to induce heart attacks. For many students, their cramming sessions begin with a minor panic attack while they search for the textbook they haven't used in two months.

Another aspect of finals is the late/all nighter. Inevitably, the massive amount of writing/studying/panicking/reading/researching will pile up, mainly as a result of personal procrastination but also because professors can't seem to understand that you have more than one class. Therefore, the result is the late nighter. Or all nighter, depending on how (un)lucky you are. The late/all nighter starts out ambitiously strong; you are inspired in every word you type and you can read five pages of your textbook in under a minute. However, this transitions into the late part of the late/all nighter. The late part is somewhat sad. Your every move is sluggish, you yawn and blink every thirty seconds, and you catch yourself typing "I really don't give a crap about what Shakespeare was trying to symbolize in his 144th sonnet."You have just enough reason left to know that you ought to be going to sleep, but not enough reason to actually do it. As sad as the late part is, it is nothing compared to the all part of the late/all nighter. The all night part is a blur of caffeine, music, books, and for some reason the color purple. At this point, you have lost almost all coherency and you have to reread a page several times before you realize you still can't understand it and continue. The benefit of the all part of the late/all nighter is that you don't realize most of what goes on around you; you are typing with vigor, carefully watching the word-count go up, and you're thrilled that your paper is almost done. It won't be until the next morning that you realize your brilliant ideas are more incoherent than if you had typed them in Yiddish. But at least you'll have four hours or so when you actually feel smart.

During finals, you will come to realize exactly what kind of teachers you have. There's the surprisingly nice professor who only gives the final and maybe a small assignment. There's the teacher who gives the unsurprising amount, typically a final project and a test. Then, there's the malicious professor who gives a big paper, a small assignment, homework, plus a comprehensive final. Teachers' passive aggression has a tendency to show itself during the week before and of finals.

I still don't understand why teachers assign a huge paper that's due the same week as finals. Studying for tests is relatively easy in comparison. And yet, I'm required to write 2,500 words on a topic, find "credible" sources, cite them, assemble all this into a coherent format, pretend that I actually used the sources to write the paper, then submit it on time. In under 12 hours.

Finals are easily the most stressful time of the school year, where the stress of grades, deadlines, classes, exams, papers, flights, homework, assignments, selling books, late nights, and no sleep piles up on you. But when the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a train, just remember that after it plows you over, the semester will be over and you'll have a whole month for winter break. Happy studying.

turkey apathy

The weeks following Thanksgiving break are punctuated by two things: disinterest and a complete lack of caring. In another word, apathy.

It's easy to see why. I mean, you've built up so much momentum, you're finishing homework on time, you're in the groove of school, and suddenly you get a break. Some lucky idiots get a full week off, other pathetic losers -such as myself- only get a lousy three days. But still, it's a break. You eat pie and turkey, you chuckle politely at all your relatives stories that you've heard many times before, and -more often than not- you get into petty squabbles with siblings/parents/cousins/friends/cats/doors/inanimate objects.

Next thing you know, its a hop, skip, and a perilous Black Friday trip later and you're back in class. And Professor DronesAlot seems to think you'd be interested in Martin Van Buren's campaign policies. Honestly, you're just impressed you've kept your brain from leaking out your ears in sheer boredom.

It is my personal opinion that teachers love this time of year. They're nearing the end of the school year, they have a long break coming, and its time to deal a little punishment to the students they think have been slacking off. So, they grin wickedly, rub their hands together evilly, and assign a 12 page double-spaced and typed with 1 inch margins and 12 point Times New Roman font paper that must cite in proper MLA format at least 5 academically accredited sources that must be found by methods that do not include Wikipedia, the Dictionary, the school library, or the use of the internet and it must be turned in promptly the week before finals. The problem is, every single teacher does this. So, you aren't acquiring a stress ulcer from just one paper, you are developing a chronic anxiety disorder with five papers. All due, coincidentally, on almost the exact same day.

The homework that you were finishing barely on time now becomes borderline impossible to complete two days late. Plus, you're driving two hours to talk with someone for an "original source" interview that you most likely will need to have a notarized copy of the transcript to receive credit. And trying to put a twenty minute speech by a dead politician about a problem that no longer exists into a 3000 word essay. Its no wonder that students feel apathetic around this time of year. They're just satisfied that they still have the ability to feel anything.


"Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it." - George Carlin

 

teachers are my nap-disruptors

It seems a little pointless to say, but you can't experience college without the teachers.

Logically speaking, you can't learn what you don't understand unless you are taught. 

Realistically speaking, teachers are sometimes just as much a harm as they are a help. 

There are countless different types of teachers; every one has a unique teaching style. However, many of them tend to fall into one of several different categories. 

 

The Absent-Minded Professor:
This teacher has two ways of showing up for class: barely on time or drastically late. Typically the first thing out of his briefcase is a jumble of papers that he will sift through for the remainder of the class period without actually finding anything. This professor would be potentially hilarious to have as a teacher if he wasn't so pathetically sad. The chuckles that you and your classmates exchange are mixed with glances of absolute terror. If Professor Spacey forgot that he explained the theory of relativity two days ago in class then he might also have forgotten more important things like your name or due dates or test scores. There's always the potential that the extra credit assignment you slaved away on to bump yourself into a B is hidden underneath an old newspaper and a stack of ungraded papers in his office. Also, and this has happened to me, there is the chance that he will teach the same class more than once. If the material starts to sound familiar, it doesn't necessarily mean you're learning; he may just be repeating himself.

The Thinks-He's-Hilarious-Teacher:
This teacher is the creator of some of the most awkward situations you will ever experience. Typically stuffy-as in, tweed jacket with elbow patches- this professor has enough credentials and credit hours and PhD's to have figured out that he's every students dream teacher. I mean, what's not to like? His jokes are humorous and they require extensive knowledge about a specialized field to understand. And the poor fellow is too busy chuckling at his successful punchline to notice the class full of blank, incredulous faces staring back at him.  His joke will appear in the middle of a long lecture, untimely of course, and will be preceded by a few signs that will make students cringe in anticipation. First, he will stop after stating some fact or point, then he will begin to smirk which will turn into a chortle and, inevitably, "Which reminds me, uh, Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender says 'How about a drink? Descartes responds 'I think not' and disappears." His sniggering will keep him occupied for a few minutes while the students will exchange chagrined glances and politely chuckle.

The Actually-Is-Hilarious-Teacher: This teacher is the saving grace for his awkward counterpart. Following the longest 50 minutes of your life with Professor McBadjoke, this class is mentally soothing and legitimately funny. This teacher is often considered as the “favorite teacher ever, dude” despite his teaching style or grading methods. There are several different styles of this kind of teacher. There is the Hilarious Jokster whose clever puns and comedic timing is the highlight of any Cold War lecture. There’s the teacher who plays youtube clips before class, the one that has a hilarious perspective that comes with years of teaching, there’s the one that doesn’t think he’s funny but actually is, and the list goes on. 

The Hard-Exam-Giver:
Easily one of the most detested teachers, this professor is dreaded during finals. Having never forgot that the root word of "teaching" is "teach", he rules his class with an iron fist, proudly declaring that "student's have complained about my difficult exams" and comforting himself that at least his students will have studied. Professor Hard-Nosed is often not only the hard tester, but the hard-paper-grader, the difficult-research-topic-giver, and the overloads-you-with-homework-er. I guess it's a package deal. Understandably, students hate his guts. However, you do learn something from this guy's class. Mostly more brands of energy drinks than you knew existed, frantic note-taking styles, and desperate study techniques. But you learn. He should be proud.

The Boring Professor: 

There will come a time where you will have that one professor that will inevitably put you to sleep. This isn't as a result of student-error. Well, not completely. However, this teacher seems genetically predisposed to putting students to sleep. His voice will be deep and dull and he will be incapable of talking about anything remotely interesting (or even on topic.) I had the misfortune of having this particular teacher in the afternoon right after lunch. No amount of caffeine will help, although attempting this class without some kind of energy boost is suicide. Dr. MakesYouNap is one of the most difficult teachers you will encounter; not because of the material he teaches, but because there's a good chance that you'll never hear a word of what he's saying.

  There are numerous other categories of professors, but maybe none quite as stereotyped as these. Teachers are a necessary evil of college. If you're lucky, maybe one will actually teach you something.


College professor--someone who talks in other people's sleep- Bergen Evans

mean cuisine

Recently I had the opportunity to experience Ramen noodles in an entirely new light.

I had eaten Ramen noodles before, when I was a kid, but I never understood why they were considered as "college cuisine." I knew they were easy to make and, based off of many of the college students I know, I figured that they were "idiot proof."

Recently, while shopping for food, I realized the true benefit that Ramen noodles have.

They cost, on average, 26 cents. Twenty... Six... Cents... 

I didn't know that you could buy anything for 26 cents. Much less a full meal. Two, if you're lucky. Its amazing to me how quickly a soggy mass of rubber-esque pasta can turn into a delicious meal when it costs less than a pack of gum.

Most college students don't eat very well. Once forced to fend for themselves, students tend to make poor choices when it comes to food. Sometimes, this is necessary. E.g., Ramen noodles. I bought six "full" meals for less than a dollar. (I use the term "full meal" very loosely) A shocking bit of information: college students typically don't have a lot of free money. And the sad truth is that one of the first things they cut back on is their diet. Or they substitute healthy food for a cheaper alternative.  For instance, three days a week for about a month straight, I had a Snickers candy bar for lunch. Was I thinking about eating healthy? no. Was I looking for a quick sugar rush? maybe. But mostly, I was concerned about having lunch for only one dollar. Besides lets face it, Snickers satisfies. (its true, it even says so on the wrapper.)

Another reason that affects how college students eat is the quality of the food that they choose. When you have class all day and homework all evening plus a job or a social life, it becomes easy to make the fast decision of a burger and fries over something actually healthy. 

Another interesting connection with college age people is that their physical tastes are altered slightly. Perhaps it's a result of a price-induced acquired taste, like Ramen noodles. Perhaps it comes from the propensity of college students to try new things. Maybe it's your brain shutting down from lack of proper nutrition and stress which leaves you incapable of experiencing taste. Either way, as I put down my bowl of tuna fish and hot sauce, I am forced to realize that college affects the way you eat. Either you eat too much for your freshman 15 or you're too poor to afford food and nearly starve to death. Either way, I can't wait till graduation...

cramming

The opposite of procrastination is a sad alternative, cramming.

Cramming may very well be the single most stressful aspect of college. (behind actually paying for school itself) 

The concept is simple; as stated before, simply procrastinate to the point of stupidity, then attempt to absorb all the information required in a minuscule amount of time. Normally the night before a test or due date, the student will sit down to their subject, armed with an arsenal of caffeine, all distractions put aside except for the motivating rock music that seems to do more harm than good, and they will attempt to stuff as much information into their consciousness that the rapidly approaching deadline will allow.   

What will inevitably occur is the brain, sensing it's impending doom, will panic thus decreasing it's ability to retain information by approximately 50%. When the student realizes the decreased ability, they will compensate by consuming caffeine, which increases brain activity by 125% but only increases the brain's recall by 25% bringing the ability to retain information up to 75% of normal capacity. However, this heightened ability has a half-life of three hours which coincides with the time that it takes for the body to process caffeine. At this point, only around 60% of the required information will have been studied, but the body will go into "crash and burn" mode, which forces the brain to strain to keep everything going plus the added pressure of studying which will cause a hard drive overload that leaves the student basically senseless at four o'clock in the morning.

Perhaps this is a bit exaggerated. Nevertheless, this is what it feels like.

The sad truth about cramming is that it is comparable to running on a treadmill: it’s a lot of effort, but you don’t actually accomplish anything. Cramming doesn’t work. The only tangible result is a migraine.

The only thing that is accomplished is roughly four hours of sleep, residual grogginess, and a hazy trip to their class, where the student discovers that they are wholly unprepared for their test but they have lost the ability to care; this is the time that students are satisfied with receiving a D.

 Needless to say, they earned it.



"80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read."

I tried to stop procrastinating, but I keep putting it off

Perhaps the number one inhibitor to getting homework done on time is procrastination.

Procrastination is a derivative of the work "procrastinate" which means "to delay or postpone action; put off doing something." 

So what is it about people that makes them put things off? Specifically, what is it about homework that makes people incapable of getting it done?

Personally, there are three reasons that the average student procrastinates homework: boredom, mis-prioritizing, and tv.

To be honest, homework is boring. Yes, I know that your biology professor tells you repeatedly of the exciting properties of the chlorophyll in algae and your history teacher loves telling stories of the Soviet Union that last longer than the Cold War itself, but truth be told, it's just boring. So when you find yourself inside on a Saturday afternoon researching the stages of mitosis and meiosis, (and sadly, this will happen) you tend to find other things that get in the way. A convenient book, a good movie, a spider crawling up the wall, paint drying, watching air particles, pretty much anything can be an instant distraction.

Another reason that students procrastinate is that they mis-prioritize. Mis-prioritizing (there's a good chance that I made up this word) is when a student has priorities, they're just not very good ones. For instance, they put the "watch tv and write about it" assignment that's due in two weeks ahead of the 3 page essay on social problems due tomorrow. This often ties into the "boredom" aspect of homework, which is a direct cause of mis-prioritizing. I myself am horrible at this.

The last reason that students procrastinate is tv. Television is the single, most destructive element that homework has to face. A stack of books with due dates attached has no chance against a full-sized, plasma, LCD flat-screen with HD and digital surround sound. Or a grainy box with rabbit ear antennas, depending on your budget.

The only thing worse than watching tv that keeps you from homework is the amazing invention of sites like hulu that have full episodes free! It's a wonder that students get any work done at all. The danger of watching tv episodes online is the simple fact that a majority of college students use their laptop both to watch them and to do homework. Guess which one gets priority, Dr. SpitsAlot's class notes on ethical dilemmas in the workplace or Dr. McDreamy's latest crisis on Grey's Anatomy?

So, I find it interesting to note that while I've been writing this, I have successfully put off no less than three different homework assignments. Most of them are boring, but I've also been watching CSI online. There are several other reasons that the average student will procrastinate, but I'll write about those later.

The two rules of procrastination: 1) Do it today. 2) Tomorrow will be today tomorrow. - Anonymous 

First things first: what am I doing?

The main question that any college student inevitably asks, especially within the first few days of class, is "What on earth am I doing here?"

If one were to ask their fellow student, the most common answer would be "Heck if I know."

Truth be told, only about 25% of the college population enters the school knowing what they want to do. Of that percentile, less than half will actually obtain a degree in their original course of study. (these figures are estimates)(but true)


So, why am *I* in college? Heck if I know.


Why am I blogging about it? That's another story.


The obvious reason: between classes, homework, facebook, twitter, work, a social life, and sports, apparently I just didn't have enough distractions. No, seriously. It's 11:00 o'clock at night and I have a lot of homework. But I'm doing this instead. Go figure.


Aside from that, I am conducting an informal case study on the inner workings of the dreaded institution known as "college." Basically to keep from going insane. But also, I find the numerous associations and connotations of college, good or bad, to be intriguing. Therefore think of this as a field journal, if you will. For those of you who don't know what that is, go to college.

College isn't the place to go for ideas. ~Helen Keller~